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Today is my wedding anniversary. My husband and I have been married for seven years.
When we made the choice to get married, we were already into consciousness work. We knew we didn’t want a traditional ceremony. We knew we wanted to create a communion that was unlike anything else.
We decided to get married on 03-27-2013 because the dates in numerology equaled 3-9-6. The exact same as numbers as my birthdate. With this being my second marriage and living most of my life in traumatic experiences, getting married again was a conscious choice on my part. So I wanted the date to reflect as so.
We got married in my healing center on a very deliberate Wednesday.
We choose a small handful of family and friends to join us.
When we married we didn't want to create new oaths and vows till death due us part as we were both very aware that as an infinite being you never die. We made a conscious choice to stay together for fifty years with the option to renegotiate at any time. Agreeing to make the contract instantly void if one of us dies before the contract is complete. Also adding that if either of us decides we no longer want to be married we would allow for a conscious separation.
We consciously choose to hold space for each other no matter what we choose. We agreed that creating a life together was a fluid choice and that no matter what changes we have to power to choose something greater.
As I reflect back on the past seven years as husband and wife we have gone through major transformations.
Here are 10 things I have learned about maintaining a conscious marriage.
1. Clear out the commitments
When you get married you take an oath and a vow till death do you part, but do you ever die? If we understand the big picture here most of us have been reincarnated here for many lifetimes. You could literally have hundreds of oaths and vows. Wonder why you keep attracting those toxic exs? Wonder why you have an instant connection to a random stranger?
The thing about these old oaths and vows is they completely take you out of choice. Just because you made an oath to someone 10 lifetimes ago doesn't mean its still a good decision. When you break these you actually get to consciously choose partnerships instead of being tied to old karmic debt.
2. Stop functioning in conclusion
Stop deciding if your partner does this it means that. When you function in conclusion you literally remove all other possibilities. If you are worried that one of their actions means something then open your mouth and ask. Don't spend time looping in imaginary upset inside your head. Learn to effectively communicate by saying what you feel. It's hard at first but once you open the gates, communication is easy.
3. Give your partner choice
Stop stressing and obsessing over what your partner is doing. Stop nagging and making the other person wrong for what they want to choose. Give them space to make choices. Go one step further learn to make conscious choices and help them make conscious choices too!
4. Stop expecting and projecting
I see this so often, people will tell me, my partner doesn't help me around the house. All they do is sit around and do nothing. Well... I get that this is how they may be showing up right now but you being upset and projecting upset all your doing is solidifying exactly what you do not want! You have to learn to be space with them. Hold space they will choose things that work. And then you have to do the hardest thing potentially known to man. Stop worrying about the crap they are doing. If you want to garbage taken out. Take it out.
If you want the house cleaned. Clean it.
What will be created is an environment that thrives on getting things done. Eventually, your spouse will follow.
5. Speak your truth
This is going to tie in with the last thing I said. If living in filth doesn't work for you saying things like, "Hey you not picking up your dirty clothes doesn't work for me. Could you please choose something different than throwing them on the floor?" When you speak the truth of you, you allow space for it to be created. If you desire something, say it. Say it loud and say it without making it about the other person. Learning to say what works for you and what doesn't creates firm ideals to create ease for both of you.
6. Have each others back
Show up for your partner and have their back with everyone around you. Don't throw your partner under the bus to your family members or your friends. Speak highly of your partner. Show up for their creations. Allow them to grow under your spotlight of encouragement.
7. Much of what you are reactive about is actually their greatest fear
Realize that much of the resistance you feel from them is actually a window into what is truly going on for them. If you feel like they shut you out and don't support you it's because they feel shut out and unsupported. And don't internalize what they are going through as you created that, it may be something they have been holding onto for lifetimes.
Be willing to go deep with them in the places you see they are reactive. Help them through their reactions without you contributing to them.
Being this support for someone is a big job yes, but in the end, you will find it helps you both grow deeply and nurtures your life and living.
8. Realize that much of the upset you are feeling is places you actually require a change
I used to have major rage. I would get so mad at him for all kinds of reasons. The old me would blame and shame. You did this and it created this.... but as I transformed I had to go in and realize my actions had to do with me and what I was holding onto. When I realized this, I choose to change. Much of where you are reactive to your partner is about where you need to shift. No ones actions should ever affect your inner peace.
9. Receive where they function
Reality is no one is going to function in the exact same space energetically as you. Ever. No one is going to think the same as you think. No one is going to like all the same things as you like. No one is going to be exactly as you are.
Give yourself space to receive where they are functioning and allow yourself to see things from their point of view.
10. Be in allowance of who they are
Lastly but potentially the most important is, being in allowance of who they are. We could all use someone in our lives who just allows them to be whoever they are without wrongness or upset or judgment. Allowance is the key to creating the ease.
When we stopped making ourselves fit into the mold of what married couples had to be what we found was we enjoy our life together and we have committed to ourselves over anything else. Giving ourselves the space to choose what we would like to choose whatever that looks like, sounds like or feels like.
Man have we changed over the short seven years and I wouldn't have it any other way.
About the author
Jamie Bates is a consciousness facilitator, author, podcast host, wife, mother, empath, and energy healer. Jamie's podcast, Expand Your Reality offers a wide variety of tools and healing processes that are also found in her many workshops and online programs. Check them all out at www.jamie-bates.com