Yesterday I was speaking to a client about her daughter's future choices. We were talking about college, what she would do next and how to encourage her to choose something that worked for her.
Upon looking at her daughter's choices it was very apparent how very locked up she felt about what her daughter wanted to choose. "How will we pay for it? What if she fails? What is we "waste" money on education? What if she chooses something she doesn't like?" While these are "valid" concerns they are all completely unnecessary.
You don't have to spin in the "what ifs".....ever.
You don't have to worry....ever.
You don't have to spin in the what-ifs.
Because you always have a choice. It's the one thing that is always available in all situations. But what you do have to do is stay out of auto-responding in these things and out of the conclusion.
So how in the world do you do that? These are my words to her and these can be applied to anything you would like to choose too!
1. You start asking questions about what she would like to choose.
"What does she want her life to feel like? What kind of things does she want to be doing on a daily basis? If she could be doing anything what would she do? Where does she desire to live? Is it a big city? Or close by home? If she chooses college does she have to get a degree? Or can she go to just meet friends, discover herself, and have fun?"
And if that freaks you out a bit you need to go back to what I said initially.
No auto-responding in, "You can't do that" or "I can't afford that."
And no conclusions, nowhere did I say, you had to pay for anything!
That's that problem when we start looking at choices. You immediately go to what you have decided is possible. Making choices has absolutely, positively nothing to do with having the money or figuring it out. Go back to the beginning and ask questions again. Write down things that she talks about.
2. Explore each option by really "feeling" what that would be like by the levels of excitement they about them.
Ask questions. If it "feels" exciting and like it would be tons of fun. Write it down as a choice. Then have her say, "I am choosing......" Do you feel a level of excitement? Or does it feel flat and unexcited? If it feels excited then keep that on the list. If it feels heavy or flat, scratch it and move forward.
3. Choose to get as much information as possible.
Look online ONLY if you can stay out of the conclusion about it. If you feel yourself getting stressed about money or safety, you are going to squash her choice before she even gets to make it. Stay neutral and just gather information, don't try to "figure out" how you are going to create it.
4. Go explore it.
If it's a close-by situation, go visit and see what it feels like there. How does your child respond? Is she excited?
If it's not close by what can you connect to, to get a greater sense of what it is. If you see your child lighting up with excitement that is a key indicator that this is something she would like to choose.
5. Let her choose it.
And stay out of the outcome. Ask questions about what it's going to take to make it happen. Search for options to fund this besides "I have too."
This reality has tons of options. Ask for them to show up! Don't assume you have to pay for it. Your children are perfectly capable of applying for things that can help to create financial support. The only thing you should be doing is encouraging them. Asking them questions like, "I wonder what it would take for this to be ease for you? What would it take for the funds to show up for this with ease? What is your life going to be like there?" Do not judge them or their choice. Let them have it and let them figure it out.
6. DO NOT MAKE THEM WRONG.
Under any circumstances do not make what they are choosing wrong. Do not project your worries and your fears. Do not overwhelm them with your issues. Let them know that this is an abundant universe with a million possibilities. Encourage them to find the possibilities that are in alignment with their joy. Do not through your upset or emotional overwhelm at their choice. Let them decide after they have chosen it if it still works for them or not.
7. Celebrate every small thing that comes in to contribute.
She gets an application to fill out for a grant towards the choice. Tell her how very excited you are she is taking action steps to create her dreams. Tell her how very happy you are that she is motivated to create something. Encouragement and excitement go a long way with your child. Keep talking about what she is feeling and what this choice creates. Keep her engaged in possibilities.
8. Let her change her mind if she wants too.
You always have a choice! Don't make her follow through with something if it starts to get heavy. Every choice creates. Choosing the choice creates the energy of it. Sometimes you have to choose the choice in order to"feel" all the aspects of it. If it starts to get heavy and complicated that's an indicator that the choice isn't working. Don't make her keep choosing it. Remind her she can change her mind at any point. What if she just choose it to get more information? Maybe now she has more choices? Back to number 1. What is in there now?
9. Stay positive.
Share the excitement and nervousness. Let her know that you will support her no matter what she chooses and that you are proud of her no matter what. Just like you, your children want to be encouraged to grow, shift and change and they don't want anyone making them feel bad about their choices. Learn to explore decisions and give them space to choose and re-choose as they would like. You will find in a very short amount of time they will have a way greater sense of who they are and what they would like to choose.
When my oldest daughter was looking at colleges there was one in particular that really lite her up. It was in Chicago, five hours from our home. There was a local presentation about the college we decided to attend. The presentation was beautiful and I could feel the excitement about this in my daughter immediately. As the presentation continued I actually cried as I could tell this would be something she would be choosing. Towards the end of the presentation, they pulled out the financials. There was a man and his daughter sitting in front of us. The man turned to his daughter and said, "no way in hell I am paying $43,000 for you to go to college. Are you crazy?" I felt that little girl's heart sink. My daughter turned to me and said, "that's a lot of money mom, we can go now, it's fine, I don't have to go here." I said we are staying and we will talk about it in the car.
After the presentation was over we walked out both feeling so "high." It felt so light and fun for her to choose this. So I told her, "I honestly have no point of view about the money. If you want to choose this let's make it happen!" She was like, "Really??" I had been practicing to choose what you want for a few years now. I knew that if she choose it, really choose it she could create it. She had been creating so many cool things up till now. And she did.
She choose it. We played in the possibilities, I encouraged her every step of the way. She just finished her second year there. Her first year living on campus I did contribute to helping pay for living expenses but she got a majority of her college paid for with grants and scholarships, she received over $30,000. Even the financial ad people were amazed at how much she received. But she choose it and I encouraged her and talked her through choosing it greater and greater. Her second year she choose to find someone to live with and pay $350. a month. And you know what she found that. She was comfortable paying that much so that's what she choose. And since she didn't live on campus she received a very healthy return each semester which paid her rent plus some. You see, she choose that. I could have easily said, "no way. I can't afford that, you can't have that." But I too choose something different.
You can learn to choose something different too. You do not have to cycle in money upset and lack. If you need help check out my membership portal at www.jamie-bates.com
It will give you the tools to go beyond the autoresponders into choosing something greater.
About the author
Jamie Bates is a consciousness facilitator, author, podcast host, wife, mother, empath, and energy healer. Jamie's podcast, Expand Your Reality offers a wide variety of tools and healing processes that are also found in her many workshops and online programs. Check them all out at www.jamie-bates.com